‘I woke up feeling like a bit of migration’

Warning: Satire ahead!

I’m a refugee, aka illegal immigrant, national security threat, halal snack packer and recreational queue jumper.

In the spirit of Operation Sovereign Borders’ transparency, and because the Wi-Fi connection is just that good here in Nauru, I thought I’d give blogging a whirl.

My story begun when I woke up one morning feeling like a bit of migration. Somalia is a wonderful country – barely any rain, great for budgeting, and always a bit of exciting armed conflict going on. But as P-Diddy says, gotta mix it up to keep things s’up.

So, after putting my place on Arbnb, checking the pooch into Mogadishu’s finest kennel and packing my resort wear, it was off to the port for the next boat to Australia. Even with e-tickets and online check-ins nowadays, airports are a drag. Plus, nothing quite beats a covert crowded, and possible capsizing, boat ride. What a thrill!

After a few fun leaks, men, women and children overboard, and D&Ms with our captain donned in budgie smugglers, we were in sight of southern shores, boundless plains and Bondi icebergs.

Sadly, some overly pushy navy boats meant we had to take a slight detour, which is why I’ve now been in a correctional processing centre for the last two years. I’m grateful for having the time to marvel in this tropical humidity and make full use of the five star open-air facilities on offer, but the suspenseful joys of indefinite detention only last so long.

So, after fabricating some abuse stories and hunger striking for funsies, I’m expecting to get fast tracked into Australia any day now. Things I’m psyched for include:

  • Joining all my cronies (ie the millions upon millions of other illegal immigrants) on shore.
  • Taking any and every Australian job I can find, despite being illiterate and innumerate. Updating my LinkedIn as we speak!
  • Living it up on Centrelink fraud. Golden soil indeed.
  • Using BeatTheQ. All day, everyday.

So if you see me round town , be sure to give a holla. You’ll recognise me, right?

This satirical piece is by Anthea Burton, a runner up in the Amnesty International Blogging Competition. She is a lawyer with a Law/Arts (Media and Communications) degree from the University of Sydney.